Ladies, don’t hate me for what I am about to say.
(With an intro like that, I hate you already.)
Gentlemen, you probably don’t care so much, but I beg, don’t you hate me too.
(Uh oh, better pay attention…)
You see, I am feeling rather smug right now. (Gawd.) Why, you ask? (Why would this mother of three children whose life is otherwise mostly unremarkable, be feeling smug?)
I shall tell you. (OY.) But you have to promise to compliment me the next time we see each other. [rolling eyes and audibly sighing with impatience]
I have lost damn near TWENTY POUNDS since January 2! Technically, 18. But rounding, up, that’s definitely twenty… give or take some water weight.
(2008?)
Yes, 2008. DUH.
Go ahead, ask me. C’mon. You know you wanna. I’m waiting…
(Well, how’d you do it?)
Why, thanks for asking! I’ll tell you: I counted every blessed calorie that went into my mouth, and exercised damn near daily for at least 30 minutes. I used a website to track it all, to make sure I came in around net 1200 calories per day.
(Is she going to tell us which website or will she make us beg?)
OK, fine, I’ll tell you. I used www.myfooddiary.com. For nine bucks a month, I had access to some handy tools that enabled me to compulsively log every bit of spray butter and Splenda I consumed, every ounce of water I drank, and every tenth of a mile I ran on my treadmill. But wait, there’s more! I participated in the message board communities, encouraging other members to be their best and HANG! IN! THERE!, while drawing on their collective wisdom for such pressing questions as, where can I buy a gently-used, gym-type aerobic step? (Answer: nowhere. Suck it up and buy a new one.)
(Big effing deal. What is there to be smug about?)
I’ll tell you why I’m smug. Not only did I reach my weight loss goal in 2 1/2 months (really?), I also was forced today to go out and buy jeans ONE SIZE SMALLER. (Wow!) At Old Navy, the store which I have been claiming for years did not sell pants to fit any woman whose hips are forever changed from having borne one or more children. Or women shorter than 5′6″. Or both. So I’m walking around all afternoon in my brand new Flirt Jeans with a butt that FITS instead of bags, and let me just tell you this:
IT FEELS GREAT!!!!!
Anyhoo. I know gloating isn’t nice, but admit it: You’ve done it, too. You have gloated, and you have felt at once euphoric and guilty about doing so. You want to boast and display pride, because otherwise, how is anyone going to know about the awesome things that you do? Yet you check yourself because it’s unbecoming. It’s not cool. As far as the seven deadly sins go, gloating falls under pride. And we are taught not to be prideful or boastful or to gloat about our accomplishments, from the time we are children. We are conditioned to be humble and modest. Especially us womenfolk. It is unbecoming to be a braggart. Because no one likes a braggart, right? That’ll get you thrown out of school or the club or the church or wherever. My kids come home and talk about kids who brag. “He’s obnoxious!” they say. Well, no one wants to be characterized as obnoxious, right?
But you know what? I worked really, really hard to lose this weight, and I achieved my goal. A goal which I have set and failed to achieve in the past. I displayed willpower the likes of which I have known only a couple of other times in my life, which has been fraught with fluctuating weight. I am wearing jeans a whole size smaller – comfortably – than my old jeans on New Year’s Day, which were tight and I chastized my husband for putting them in the dryer. C’mon, I think that’s worth celebrating! So I say to all of you: Break out the bubbly! Let’s effing celebrate!
I beg of you, ladies and gentlemen: Give me this moment to be proud of myself. Allow me to gloat. I do it so rarely. It truly goes against my nature. But this one, I earned. I worked hard for it! I improved not only my health, but also my fitness level, my strength, and yes, my ass!
(She improved her ass?)
You bet your ass I did.
Filed under: Bragging | Tagged: Life-changing Gadgets, pride, weight
You should totally be proud of yourself.
I wish I had that kind of will power right now.
Love what you’ve done with the place :)
Stop hogging the comment space on DC Metro Moms! :) Blog MUCH better.
Kimberly: It’s the tiramisu. I don’t know who put it in your fridge. I sure didn’t. Don’t eat it! It’s poison, I tell ya, poison!!
AWESOME. You bet your ass you should be bragging. There’s nothing wrong with bragging on your own blog – in fact, one of my categories is, simply, “bragging”. I use it quite frequently. If the haters don’t like it? They can move on.
(I talk so tough, I actually can’t STAND it if I think someone doesn’t like me. But I still brag. Oh, right, and this is about you! I got off track. You have every right to brag, you should be very proud – it’s a helluvan accomplishment.)
((Nope, no Margaret, just Maggie. As in the Rod Stewart song. Which you know, because you just told me you’re super old like me.))
Nice to meet you. :)
Whoops! Just re-read and realized you have the “bragging” category too!
Copycat.
Oh man. I want some of this willpower. Where do I get it? I ate 11 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in the last few months, not to mention a few pints of Hagen Daaz, and gym? What gym? Help me, Meg. Major congrats to you–this is fantastic. You should have an I’m-Skinny-Come-Look party that involves a hike in your neighborhood woods followed by some rice cakes!
Congrats.
I’ve lost a net of 92 since 3/1/07. And i don’t work half as hard as you do. I don’t count calories, I just eac healthy. I drink my drug of choice, coffee, with cream AND (Brown, organic) sugar two or three times a day. I eat a great brown bag lunch that I cook, and a delicious dinner. I eat fruit three times a day.
the only time I get into the danger zone is late at night if I’m working at home, or watching TV.
But, hey whatever works for you,
Best,
Fatboyslimmed