Things you’ll never hear me say

I was chatting with a friend recently. HE was talking about cleaning the bathroom. As in, HE was cleaning the bathroom. Himself. With bleach! I mused that my dear husband has probably never begun a sentence with, “So ,the other day? When I was cleaning the bathroom, with bleach?…”

I shared this thought with my husband, and he chuckled and agreed. We started talking about things we would never be heard saying. He offered up one for himself: “No thanks, I think I have had enough beer.” Then I thought of another one: “No, here, let ME fix that!” Because one, the man does like him some beer, and two, he’s just not all that into fixing things. Neither am I. The Fixing Gene, while present in both of our families, seems to have skipped both of us. (Fortunately, we both got the genes for good looks and charming personality.) But given the choice between fixing something and, say, drinking a beer? Beer wins 10 out of 10 times.

Then I tried to come up with things you’ll never hear ME say. First place went to two related statements: “That’s okay, I’d rather not have a massage,” and “Please, stop scratching my back.” I will never refuse a good massage, and would never dream of asking anyone to stop scratching my back. I’d seriously let my husband go for hours if he would. He’s the best back scratcher around. Maybe I was a cat in a former life.

And really, who am I kidding? I honestly can’t remember the last time I myself began a sentence that had to do with using bleach to clean the bathroom. Both of my readers know by now that I’d rather be doing anything besides cleaning. And it’s not even that; it’s more that, with three boys and two hairy pets, the cleanliness/tidiness deck is certainly stacked against me.

It was a fun exercise, but we became stumped pretty fast. We were trying not to be too snarky, and frankly, that ended up being kind of limiting. We didn’t want to totally bust on each other, especially not if it was going to be blog fodder.

So, what is one thing that you’ll never be heard saying? Please, post yours in the comments. But use quotes, because if you don’t, then it’s like you’re SAYING IT, and we really want to avoid that, don’t we?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fix something have a beer.