Caution: Feet May Fall Off

Both of my readers already know I have Freakish Feet. I have previously written about my bunions and the special new hammertoe that showed up around the time I observed the 11th anniversary of my 29th birthday. However, I have not much talked about my calluses. Oh, my, the calluses. Little rocks of skin attached to my already-hideous feet. I have been fighting with them for years, trying to make them GO AWAY, yet if I relent for even a few days, they come raging back.

After wasting lots of money on ineffective products, I finally found one that works pretty well. I don’t want to be accused of doing a product review here, so I won’t name the brand or link to the product, but let’s just say that when the picture on the front of the tube is of a woman’s baby-smooth foot next to one, delicate orchid bloom, on a white sandy beach? It’s gotta be good.

The front of the package says it is an “Extra Strength Callus Remover Gel, that Breaks down and eliminates deep, thick calluses.” There’s even more hope printed on the back: “This penetrating gel formula helps erase deep, thick calluses, instantly exfoliates & smoothes, leaving feet silky-soft & supple.” Could instantly supple feet be a mere dollop of gel away? Is it that easy? I wondered as I considered the purchase. I’m told I can lose weight by merely popping a pill, so maybe this gel will make my feet as smooth as they were when I entered the world during the Age of Aquarius. I bought the hype, paid for my product and rushed home to begin nuclear Armageddon on my feet.

I was happy with my purchase. I applied it to my feet in the shower, then briskly rubed the calluses with a pumice stone. My feet weren’t as silky-smooth and supple as a baby’s, but then I have pretty high expectations of what that means.

After I had been using the Callus Remover gel for a while, I decided to read the instructions. (Yep, I know that’s back-asswards. That’s how we roll here.) I was alarmed to learn that I had been misusing the product! Now I am filled with concern that my feet are going to fall off. Here’s what the package says:

TO USE: Apply a small amount to callused skin for 1 minute. Wash away excess immediately and thoroughly with warm, soapy water.

One minute? Small amount? From a giant 6-ounce tube? Uh-oh. I’ve been slathering huge globs of this stuff onto my callused feet and leaving it on for waaaay longer than one minute.

Then, they helpfully add these cautions, in bold:

Do not leave on longer than 1 minute. [again with the 1 minute? Now I'm worried.]

Keep fingers away from eyes during use. [seems obvious to me, but you know what "assume" does...]

Do not use more than twice weekly or on broken or sensitive skin.

Are they kidding, suggesting that this magical, odorless, colorless gel can work miracles in only one minute, twice a week? How can it be?

The most troubling part of it all is that they never explain what dreadful harm will befall the poor user who forgets to bring their stopwatch into the shower, or can’t count as high as 60, or loses track of how many times they’ve applied the gel this week. When was the last time? Was it yesterday? Or two days ago? I can’t even remember what day it is most of the time, let alone first thing in the morning, in the shower. Before coffee.

So: If you see me around town, hobbling along on stumps where my feet used to be, speak kindly of me, and have sympathy. Know that my intentions were pure, that I believed the hype. I wanted a miracle. And in my quest for silky-smooth feet, my zeal got the better of me, and the magical gel that made such lofty promises caused more harm than good.