Does this email make me look fat?
It started innocently enough. My good friend, the ever-anonymous Washwords, sent me an IM through Gmail chat. I missed it because I had logged out for a nanosecond half an hour, but it showed up in my Gmail, because Google is cool that way, and here is what it said:
hey… i can’t remember. were we supposed to have lunch today? i can’t. argh. how about NEXT week (m or w)?
I replied to her via Gmail.
Me either, that’s OK though… Next week should be good - is Mon OK? Where do you wanna meet? Let me know.
An uncharacteristically brief communication for both of us. And really, what more needed to be said.
But then I glanced over to the right, to Gmail’s sponsored links. Gmail provides their users with these helpful links, which are generated based on message content (they call it “context-sensitive”), with the hope that you will click on through to the other side. Sometimes, they actually seem relevant, and you think to yourself, those crazy kids over at Google are sure some kind of geniuses, but other times? Raise your hands, Gmail users, if you’ve experienced shock and dismay at what you see over there.
Context is, as they say, everything. From our unusually quick exchange about a possible lunch date next week, the almighty algorithms apparently gleaned quite enough about me, making some mighty big assumptions that generated these four text ads:
5 Tips to Lose Belly Fat
Stop making these 5 mistakes & you will finally lose your belly fat!
Trouble Losing Belly Fat?
6 Shocking Facts You Need to Know About Losing Belly Fat…
1 Trick to Lose Belly Fat
I struggled for years with a fat belly, until I found this 1 secret.
Start a Lunch Truck Bus.
Plan, Start and Operate a Lunch Truck Business
Waidaminnit. Seventy-five percent of the ads about my BELLY FAT? How do they know I have belly fat, and how dare they assume I want to get rid of it? True, I have never loved my belly fat, but that’s none of their bidness. Are they serious? They need to recalibrate their algorithm.
“Start a Lunch Truck Bus” – perhaps this was a helpful suggestion for where my friend and I should rendezvous for lunch? Because I was kind of thinking of Baja Fresh, or maybe Moby Dick’s. You know, something with, oh, I dunno, SEATS. But on the other hand? A lunch truck hot dog with a little bag of chips and a can of soda? Mmmm, that sounds tasty. Belly Fat, be damned.
That was all amusing enough, but here’s where Google went out on the proverbial limb and took a huge leap, for this is what appeared below the four text ads:
More about…
Supposed to Make You Happy »
Where Im Supposed to Be »
Not Supposed to Break Down »
Speed Racer Lunch Box »
I suppose “supposed” is a Money Word. Supposed to Make You Happy? Well, yes, lunch always makes me happy. Where Im [sic] Supposed to Be? At noon, I’m supposed to be at lunch, preferably with friends. Not Supposed to Break Down? DUH. Speed Racer Lunch Box?
[Wait. Did she say Speed Racer Lunch Box?]
And just that quickly, I was transported back to elementary school, when my classmate Becky1 would carry her lunch every single day to school in a shiny metal Scooby Doo lunchbox. For like all fifteen years of elementary school. (It’s funny what you remember, isn’t it?) You had your packers and your buyers. I was usually a buyer, but I did not love the cafeteria food. Some of it was OK, like pizza Thursdays, but the reconstituted mashed potatoes? The gristle ham patties? Not so much. But Becky1 had a baloney sandwich with a piece of fruit and some cookies, every single day, thanks to her cool lunchbox.
Maybe if they had been serving up some Baja Fresh in my cafeteria, or perhaps cuisine from a Lunch Truck, I would have been more enthusiastic. Of course, Baja Fresh, not a Lunch Truck, is most likely responsible for at least some of my belly fat. Still, Baja Fresh is Supposed to Make [Me] Happy, because it’s Where Im Supposed to Be.
1 Not not her real name.
Filed under: Gmail, Google, fast food, lunch, rant | Tagged: Gmail, Google, Context-sensitive, belly fat, baja fresh, moby dick's, sponsored links, lunch truck bus, speed racer lunchbox, washwords
Those damn sponsored links make me paranoid. I remember writing a message once where I mentioned a knife, and got ads talking about plastic surgery. WTF??
I remember proudly picking out an Animalympics lunchbox the day before third grade, and showing up at school to realize that NO OTHER THIRD GRADERS carried lunch boxes anymore. It was a defining and tragic moment in my personal history.
I was just thinking about you today as I watched you twittering about…aren’t you glad I hooked you?
And those google ads? Ugh. They are on my bad list. Very bad…
Hilarious post. School lunches were not too good, no offense to the hardworking ladies back there in Lunch Lady Land [tm Adam Sandler]. I really couldn’t stomach them. I usually ate an ice cream sandwich!
On another note, I thought about your ravioli post last night as I heated up tater tots in the oven. The instructions said to cook them for 8 minutes, then carefully turn them over and cook another 8 minutes. Carefully turn them over? They’re TATER TOTS! And I am making them because I don’t want to be bothered!
I did not turn them over, and they turned out just fine.
You are one funny blogger. Thanks for the comment on my site the other day (just showing up here NOW, thanks — and Yes, I am THAT late with thank you notes, too, and then some). Anguilla as someone’s guest is in my top five reasons to go on living; I hope you can get back there (me too!).
Cheers!
– Laurie @ Foolery
ha ha ha! I didn’t even see this till today. thanks for el plug! and oyyy, i am afeard to see what my gmail links to now. perhaps it was my salivating over the computer screen thinking of burritos. can you imagine what we’ll get after tonight’s drinkfest - proably links to betty ford clinic and Mommies With Problems. ha ha ha
I HATE HATE HATE those auto-generated Google things! How dare those bastards! I won’t even tell you what they say about me. BUT IT’S OFFENSIVE, I’LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
Dammit.