It’s been a while since my most recent JoS entry and I’ve been meaning to wrap up this so-called series. (It’s not nice to let the readers hanging out there, wondering if you forgot or WHAT.) New readers (both of you), you probably are wondering what in the Sam Hill is the Jar of Squalor. Well, it was one of my early attempts at humor, before I shed my blog training wheels. I thought it might be funny (and maybe also enlightening? shocking?) if I collected what I swept up from my kitchen floor and deposited it into a jar. The whole thing lasted for about two months and in reality, was probably insipid at best, appalling at worst.
In any case, if you are postponing housework or have nothing better to do right now, read here and here and here and here, and you can see how the whole ridiculous thing unfolded. The letter below will make TONS more sense with the background. Or maybe it won’t. Either way, I pledge to you, this is the last entry in the series. You’re welcome.
August 27, 2008
Dear Soup Is Not A Finger Food:
I regret to inform you that I am resigning my position as Jar of Squalor, effective immediately.
I remember when I started with your Organization. I was so fresh, so full of promise, so eager to take on whatever you would give me.
Jar of Squalor I
As I became comfortable in my new role, I took on more responsibility:
Jar of Squalor II
…until soon, I was operating at close to full capacity.
Jar of Squalor III
In time, it became too much. I just couldn’t keep up with your demands. You kept piling and piling on, and I became overwhelmed with all I was asked to absorb.
Jar of Squalor IV
Finally, I became overwhelmed. My cries for relief went unheeded. I tried and tried, but found I was unable to operate over capacity any longer.
Jar of Squalor V
I appreciate all the opportunities afforded me by the Organization, however, all things considered, I feel it would be best for me (and my family) to move on. I have decided to return to my original calling; my true roots. Starting next week (after a good washing) I will begin acting as a soup jar. It’s good, clean work, the pay and benefits are great, and the commute is a lot shorter. Plus, they offer flextime.
Don’t try to talk me out of this; my mind is made up. Please mail my final paycheck. Thanks again for everything, and I wish you well in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
The Jar of Squalor
Filed under: cleaning, humor, letters, satire, squalor, updates | Tagged: jar of squalor, Resignation Letter, Insipid, Promise me NO MORE, This is it I SWEAR
Jar of Squalor, this is my first visit, but I was touched by your letter and so glad to hear that you’re moving on to a more fulfilling jar-ry life. I hope the journey brings you healing, and peace. Watch out for butterfingers who might drop you on a hard tile floor.
In my house, we’d need a Dumpster of Disaster, and half of it would be full of dead bugs.
I’ll bet if you made him a counter-offer of more vacation time and higher salary, your jar would stay put.
Otherwise, as in the workplace, everyone can be replaced. I’ll send you a new recruit if you want. I found him on Monster. He is very experienced and can hold up to a gallon of squalor. He might be pricey, but he comes very highly recommended.
You can just give me my finder’s fee next time we meet. In a sippy cup.
Mom Bomb – Welcome! Dead bugs? Sounds like a good story in there…
CBW – We wanted to counter, but he pre-empted that. We will be accepting applications, but are being very selective. Make sure anyone you forward fills out the applicant referral form, so we know he came from you. Your bonus is payable after the new hire successfully completes the 90 day probationary period.
Hmmmm. I could fill up that little Jar of Squalor in about a day and a half. I have a 180 pound dog and three little piggies. Lord help me. Maybe I should do this to show everyone how much mess they make DAILY! lol
Can I have the squalor? I have a collection.
Apparently.
yes jar of squalor! I know just how you feel :-)
Dear J.O.S. — You wear it well!
Rhonda – our fat golden retriever and 16-year-old heavily-shedding cat made big deposits into the Jar.
Foolery – you need MORE Squalor?
Amy and Carrie – thanks so much for checking in! Tres glamorous, no?
I’m glad you explained the animal hair – there I was thinking it was either part of mouse nest or, worse still, geriatric pubic hair.
I think the JoS rocked. I’d do the same, except there’s no jar big enough to hold what I sweep up from my kitchen floor in a day. No really.