We need a wife.

Polygamist societies are rooted in cultural and religious traditions. I’m at once fascinated by and repulsed by the thought of arrangements such as the ranch in Texas that’s been in the news lately. We monogamists have trouble wrapping our arms around polygamy, and not just because there are so darn many wives and ohmygosh would you look at all the children! However, the more I think about it, it occurs to me that there could be one advantage to such an arrangement. Stay with me here…

This morning, my husband and I were trying to figure out how we could divide and conquer our growing list of chores, despite the fact that both of us work outside the home. Both cars need routine service. We have medical and dental appointments that need to be scheduled. There are 50 bags of mulch in our driveway, neatly ranked and ordered, taunting us whenever we drive by.  (“Spread me,” they say!) (That sounds naughty.) We have to repair two downspouts on the end of the house before it rains again. We finally took the dog for a long-overdue grooming appointment yesterday. Don’t even get me started about the MOUNTAIN of laundry that needs to be done. And have I mentioned all that mulch?

Then, with a flash of insight, the perfect solution occurred to me. WE need a WIFE. Or a spouse, or a husband, or whatever you want to call it. An EA – not Executive Assistant – Extra Adult. Think about it! This person could do the daily chores. (S)he could schedule appointments. (S)he could walk the dog. (Heck, (s)he could brush the dog!) (S)he could schedule routine auto service more often than the every 6,000-8,000 miles we can manage. (S)he could WASH the cars! (S)he could pay the bills, mop the floor, vacuum the dog hair off of everywhere. AND DO THE LAUNDRY. EVERY DAY. Unload the dishwasher AND the drainer. On the same day. Change the sheets on the bed more than once every 3 weeks. Put out fresh towels before the old ones start to stink. Take the trash out, clean the litterbox before it starts to reek, keep the storage room organized.

You know – CHORES. Odious tasks.

Oh, the possibilities! We wouldn’t have to hire someone else to clean the house. We could divert that budget line item towards, I dunno, maybe saving for the children’s college tuition. Dinner? No problem. (S)he would always remember to defrost the icy brick of beef in plenty of time to have it perfectly seasoned and roasted, definitely before 8pm. In fact, (s)he would do all the grocery shopping and would have time to scan all the store ads to find the best deals AND clip coupons. Think of the money we’d save! And best of all? Our EA would never, ever, let the gin or bourbon run out before replenishing our supply.

The marital relations part of polygamy? No go. So naturally, there would be none of that. I truly can’t hang with that part of polygamy. Equally puzzling is those dresses the wives wear. Seriously, ladies. It would be OK for our EA to dress fancy.

Of course, I jest. (You didn’t think I was serious, did you?) I’m a one man kind of gal, and I’ve never been great with sharing. But truly, the thought of having a third adult in the family who could manage all of the mundane responsibilities that come along with homeownership and parenthood? That would be fantastic. I imagine hours of my life would be freed up to spend more “quality time” (an overused term, but you get my point) with my husband and children. Because, readers? That’s all I want. That’s what really matters to me.

5 thoughts on “We need a wife.

  1. The need for a wife is one that’s felt by every woman with a job. Solutions are hard to come by. Mr. Yenta is retired now on disability. When he’s feeling well, he’s become a househusband. Except for cooking. But if I feel like it I can leave him all the clean-up. We’re considerably poorer but on some levels I’m happier. Not because he’s got stuff wrong with him. I wouldn’t want that, of course. But coming home to a clean house with the laundry done- very nice.

  2. YES!!! An Extra Adult (EA) is just the thing, and if we could arrange for them to go out just as we come home to relax, well, there is the hat trick.

    Now, how do we afford this? Maybe auction the Squalor jar? Hold a ‘White elephant’?

    AND, if in their “spare time” he or she could work to bring home ‘extra money” well… I might let her hold hands with Hubby… he is irresistible, after all. Just kidding…really!

    You know, Hubby is handy… maybe he can build a robot EA out of all the old car parts we have lurking. Heck, some of them are for cars we don’t even have anymore they should be earning their keep somehow! Then, when not in use, you could just turn the EA off, stand it in a corner, or put it in the closet EA just cleaned and organized!! Can you tell I LOVE this idea?!?

  3. Donna-Michele – I like hw you think. A Robot EA? Perfect. And I might be ok with a little flirtation to sort of, you know, grease the wheels, or whatever.

    The squalor jar? Yes, it’s worth money. I think I see the weeping Virgin Mary in there somewhere…

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