Damn you, Five Guys Burgers & Fries!

Damn you, Five Guys, for making a juicy, delicious burger, cooked to perfection, topped with whatever fresh toppings I desire, on a nice fluffy bun.

Damn you for making fresh-cut french fries, fried in peanut oil to a perfect golden crisp… fries that remind me of the best fries EVER, which are served up for a week each year at my hometown Firemen’s Carnival. I have not had fries that equal the carnival fries until I went to Five Guys. Seriously. Carnival fries were the highlight of the summer. The little old ladies in town would gather behind the tent to peel the potatoes nightly, and the firemen staffing the stand would punch them through a slicer and fry ’em up. But Five Guys Fries? I can’t get enough of ’em.


Damn you for serving your delicious burgers and fries in a humble brown paper bag, for wrapping your burger in plain aluminum foil, for placing your piping-hot fries in a simple, white, logo-free styrofoam cup, and for throwing EXTRA FRIES on top once the cup is in the bag. Damn the simplicity of your menu: Burgers. Fries. Hot dogs if you must. Complimentary peanuts in the shell for customers to nibble while they wait for their order.

Damn you, Five Guys, for being conveniently two miles from my home, open until 10pm, staffed with friendly people who always get my order just right.

Seriously, Five Guys. If you’re not careful, you are going to make me FAT. Please, I beg of you, stop serving up your delicious food immediately if not sooner.


36 Responses

  1. Yes Alex, I’ll take “What Did Soupy Meg Have for Lunch” for eight hundred dollars, please…

  2. Actually, it was dinner. Last night. At 8:45pm. Damn them!!

  3. DAMN THEM! I’m hungry, and now I have to drive all the way to the DC Metro Area for a snack!


  4. Last week I had actual carnival French fries at the actual carnival. With vinegar. Ummmm. It’s been a few years since I had the pleasure, and they were just as good as ever.

  5. ha ha ha. how does Curt not know what Meg had for dinner? You didn’t share? Either way, I love that you have adopted my “Soupy Meg” name.

    Check out DC blogs tomorrow yous twos. S’all i’m sayin.

  6. Foolery – don’t worry, if you fly direct it’s not that bad… I’m equidistant from all three airports and will pick you up in a flash.Call me, I’ll be in the cell phone lot.

    Mom – Carnival fries are wonderful. BUT: next time you come to visit, I’m taking you to Five Guys and you tell me how good their damn fries are. Seriously. They give the firemen a run for their money. But shhh, let’s keep this between us.

    Wash – Nope, Curt had gone to hockey, taken the boys, and I snuck over there in a furtive attempt to STUFF MY FACE. Damn them! Dammit! DC Blogs? You got me on your list? Rockin’!

  7. Oh, by the way — did I forget to tell you? — you’ve been SLIM JIM’d. Hope you get lots of nice visitors. : )

  8. Don’t you hate that? Yummy food all convenient and junk so that you can’t stop going there…

    With me it’s not so much a restaurant as the liquor store, I pull up they come right to my window and ask what I need. And all I ever want is… a slim jim ;)

    Boo-ya! Your first slim jim

  9. Welcome Lynette! I do loves me a Slim Jim. And check it out – this, on the same day as my post was submitted by a friend to http://www.dcblogs.com! And to think I was going to post a “gone fishin'” notice for my upcoming few days away. Maybe later!

    BTW – I need directions to that drive-thru liquor store. Send me a Mapquest. Thanks.

  10. Slim jims are tasty. Actually I prefer beef jerky in a bag, but I am sure none of these can compare to a good Five Guys Burger. I’ve never eaten there, but I have friends in more civilized areas who rant and rave over them. I need to venture forth and check it out.

  11. In L.A., the burger joint I loved which was in WALKING DISTANCE from my house, was called FatBurger. FATburger. You are what you eat. Should stick with… slim jims.

  12. CBW – come up to Montgomery County. We’ll go. My treat.

    BD – I have heard of Fatburger. How can you not love a burger from a place with that name? In Wisconsin there is a chain called Culver’s – slogan: Home of the Butterburger. Again I say, you can’t not love something called the BUTTERBURGER.

  13. Five Guys Burgers, Slim Jims, Butterburgers or my personal favorite – White Castle, all go well with your gin recipe.

  14. Oh, dear – I am surrounded by Five Guys joints…no kidding, five within fifteen minute’s drive…and I’ve never been in. Now I know why – self-preservation.

    I think I’ll just gnaw on this here Slim Jim until I can drive over and pray on…erm…order from…a Five Guys (Wait, does that look wrong to you? “…a Five Guys…” doesn’t look right…)

    Laurie made me do it – she threatened me with a deep-fried Slim Jim…

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  15. Great, now iI want a burger. But I think I’ll have to make do with a slim jim.

  16. Rick’s – Harold and Kumar, baby!

    Mental P – don’t you think the Slim Jim would stick out of the roll in a funny way?

    Kyddryn – I clicked to your blog to see if you were in Northern VA… because Five Guys is all over the place out there and in the whole DC area. Lucky you, to have so many of them nearby!

  17. Damn them. Seriously. What the *&^! were they thinking giving you great food at a great price….nothing ticks me off more.

    If only, if only…they would have thrown in a Slim Jim for good measure. (I am not a freak- go see Foolery today. It will all be clear….I was the first victim. Welcome to the club!)

  18. Slim Jim’s are better than burgers–classier.

  19. Marcy – Mwahaha… I’m onto you crazy nuts! I found your site from Foolery when she victimized you. What fun!

    Suz – Can’t really argue, you present a compelling case for sure.

  20. I’ve never heard of the place and almost never eat ground beef, but I’m dying to right now and will also have to make do with a slim jim. All the talk of slim jims makes me wonder if there’s a recipe in there: ground slim jims made into a patty. Ok, just right there I cured myself of that burger craving.

  21. I’m near two 5 Guys locations and It’s a once in a while splurge for me :) Those fries are simply the best.

    My other burger faves are Backyard Burgers.

    All Things, I also hear In-N-Out burger is great as well. I had Jack in The Box, but wasn’t impressed.

  22. These folks are SO good at this. : )

    Happy Slim Jim Day!

  23. Another vote for the Slim Jim here. I live miles from any burger joint, but I can fill the car with Slim Jims on my semi-annual trip to town and snack like a queen for weeks.

  24. OK – I think a ground slim jim patty sounds kinda gross, but go ahead and knock yourself out. Of course if you gave that ground meat to Five Guys, it would end up a work of art.

    Gil – Check out Suz Broughton at Emphasis Mine for her vlog on the In & Out Burger drive-thru. She swears by ’em. If they had ’em in the East, I’d be all over it.

    Foolery – this has been such fun, thanks!

    Anti – you can’t talk back to the extended shelf life of a Slim Jim!

  25. I’m in Charleston, SC and the yummy goodness that is 5 Guys is available down here. Yummy for them!!

  26. Kumar is insisting on more of Foolery’s special brownies – he’s got a real sweet tooth!

  27. I’ve never heard of this Five Guys establishment. It’s In N Out here as well as a few local joints like Rocky’s and Hodad’s. Now I’m hungry. In N Out is closed, better head to the closest mini mart for a Slim Jim to tide me over till breakfast.

  28. Tom – You lucky guy! Go have some this weekend!

    Rick’s – does Foolery make THOSE brownies? Another reason for me to hitchhike to CA for a visit.

    Mel – Come east, we’ll hook you up. Meanwhile, Rocky’s? Hodad’s? All sounds delish.

    And also, y’all – SLIM JIMS. Thanks to everyone for popping by – hope to see you back another time!

  29. Naw, probably not, she’s a saint.
    But rumor is she’s a pretty good cook and is willing to experiment in the kitchen, so I guess anything’s possible. nudge, nudge….wink, wink!

    (experiment=picture of cat food flavored olive oil to mix with her Gin & Tonics!)

  30. Damn you for damning them.
    Now I’m hungry, dammit.

  31. Hi dcmoviegirl! – run, quick ,and get a burger ‘n’ fries in a plain paper bag. I know you ‘ll be glad you did. MWAH!!!

  32. I’m not going to lie, Five Guys is most arguably the greatest fast food place in the universe.

    Too bad they are so far away from me :(…we went to DC for 3 days and I had Five Guys 3 times!…once at a Washington Nationals game!

    • Michael! – truer words were never spoken. Come back and have more! Five Guys seems to be all over the place now. Check the restaurant locator on their website.

  33. Yes they are even in South FL. :)

  34. Five guys rock on in the northeast

  35. If you like Five Guys, you would really like Z Burger. It has better food and service. The onion rings are amazing too.

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