Damn you, Five Guys, for making a juicy, delicious burger, cooked to perfection, topped with whatever fresh toppings I desire, on a nice fluffy bun.
Damn you for making fresh-cut french fries, fried in peanut oil to a perfect golden crisp… fries that remind me of the best fries EVER, which are served up for a week each year at my hometown Firemen’s Carnival. I have not had fries that equal the carnival fries until I went to Five Guys. Seriously. Carnival fries were the highlight of the summer. The little old ladies in town would gather behind the tent to peel the potatoes nightly, and the firemen staffing the stand would punch them through a slicer and fry ’em up. But Five Guys Fries? I can’t get enough of ’em.
Damn you for serving your delicious burgers and fries in a humble brown paper bag, for wrapping your burger in plain aluminum foil, for placing your piping-hot fries in a simple, white, logo-free styrofoam cup, and for throwing EXTRA FRIES on top once the cup is in the bag. Damn the simplicity of your menu: Burgers. Fries. Hot dogs if you must. Complimentary peanuts in the shell for customers to nibble while they wait for their order.
Damn you, Five Guys, for being conveniently two miles from my home, open until 10pm, staffed with friendly people who always get my order just right.
Seriously, Five Guys. If you’re not careful, you are going to make me FAT. Please, I beg of you, stop serving up your delicious food immediately if not sooner.