I was going about my morning, looking forward to a productive work-at-home day. I made a cup of tea and went into the bedroom, where I was going to set up my laptop on the slant-top desk I have there. Except  the room was really messy and I knew that would be a big distraction, so I decided to procrastinate tidy up a bit first.

There was a pile of blankets on the floor that have been there for weeks. I figured no time like the present! and scooped them up, intending to carry them down to the basement to join the other blankets down there, for which there is no good storage place. Upon lifting the pile, I observed what appeared to be A SMALL SNAKE, coiled up and resting on the floor. OF MY BEDROOM. I froze. frowned, and looked closely at it. I considered that perhaps (hopefully!) it was one of The Peezer’s toys, which can be routinely find strewn about the entire house.

I wasn’t entirely certain it was plastic, and figured the best way to tell would be to poke it with something really long, so I ran to the kitchen to get the broom which we keep handy, not so much for cleaning, but for occasions just like this. Realizing how absurd I was probably being, I also grabbed my camera and went back to the bedroom to check on my little toy that was surely fooling me, ha ha!




I knew I had to get it out of there before it disappeared. I further knew there was no one gonna rescue me from this one.  I was on my own! I ran back to the kitchen muttering ohmygawdohmygawdohhhhmaaaahgaaawd! and grabbed some giant barbecue tongs and a plastic grocery bag.  Back in the bedroom, still muttering and now also hyperventilating, I approached my reptilian nemesis (who, fortunately, had stayed put) and gave a first tentative grab with the tongs. He flinched and I shrieked! and dropped him.

“Listen, CRITTER, these tongs and I are MUCH bigger than you,” I explained as I lunged at him again.  “You do not belong in my bedroom!” I ended up grabbing his head and clamped the tongs HARD while he (she?) opened his (her?) mouth in silent protest. I deposited him (IT! No personification for reptiles!) into the grocery bag, then grabbed the BAG with the tongs and carried the interloper out the front door, where I dumped it out, grabbed its head again, and flung it towards the woods, where it ricocheted off of a tree and landed in the leaves.

Then, naturally, I called Curt at work and freaked the hell out.

“I just removed a SNAKE from our BEDROOM he was under those BLANKETS not FOUR FEET from where my HEAD was last night and TONGS and OUTSIDE and DO YOU THINK HE HAS FRIENDS and BASEMENT and HOW DID HE GET IN and WHAT THE OHMAHGAWDHOLYCRAP!”

Now, loyal readers, raise your hand if this story sounds familiar to you.  If it does, you have a good memory. If it does not, and you dig stories about ladies freaking out when snakes enter her personal territory, read this story about the snake skin we found in our grill last spring, almost exactly one year ago.

OK, that’s enough. Remember, I’m supposed to be working today. And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pack up my stuff and drive to the public library. They have nice, free Wifi there, and I’m pretty sure the only snakes there are in books.


43 thoughts on “SNAKE!

  1. I’m very impressed with your bravery. I know many people who would have locked it in the bedroom and waited until someone came home to take care of i.

    1. Thanks A – I put on my Big Girl Pants and made it happen, mostly because my greater fear was what if he hid and I couldn’t find him?

    1. I did, but by then I was kind of outside of my body. Plus, I wanted Snakey to have further to go to get back inside than just the front steps.

  2. it is a very pretty snake. any idea what kind of snake it is? i’m sure you don’t really care about that. good job taking care of it yourself. you are very resourceful. here’s a little snake haiku
    snake, snake in my house
    this is not the place for you.
    oops you hit a tree!

    1. OOPS YOU HIT A TREE bwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahahaha!!

      You tell ME what kind of snake it is. As far as I can tell, it is the kind that you do not want in your bedroom.

  3. I’m sure the snake was just as unhappy about this turn of events as you were, Soup. But you were brave and heroic and have true journalistic instincts to think to document this for your reader(s).

    Plus the kids are gonna LOVE this one.

  4. I’m still all heebied-out about it, but I can report that there are ZERO SNAKES in the Quiet Room of the Germantown Public Library.

      1. Well, there are no squalid piles of old blankets laying around in this room, anyway, and the library is not nestled on a wooded lot. If there were a snake I would probably see it, even on the snake-colored carpeting. At least I think so…

  5. i think it is/was a milk snake. they eat insects and small rodents and sometimes other snakes. so they are beneficial snakes! but i still understand why you don’t want it in your house. i think all “wildlife” should remain outside and not be in the house…ever!

  6. What if Peezer gets “S” for his next show and tell? Could be for Snake, or he could get “R” for reptile, or “H” for herpitology. “S” for what Mommy said? Could be a windfall event.

    You know I would be soooo freaking out. Damn that Eve.

  7. Scott, seriously man, cut it out!

    Sarah, I hope you’re right… but it was a small one, so is mama nearby?

    Mom, show & tell is the next post and I wish it were S!

  8. this kind of snake lays eggs in the ground or under rotting logs and then does not come back to take care of the young. it also only grows to 36inches and remains a slender snake. i don’t think you have to worry about mama nearby or a nest under your bed. however, you should put the picture in peezer’s shoebox for show and tell for an example of a herpitile.

  9. um yeah… I say a) a juvenile black snake (which are marked similarly to copperheads), or b) copperhead–in which case you need to study the eyes (which you should have done while he was in the silent-scream-tong-pinch… If the pupil is round, it’s safe… If it’s a straight line, it’s venomous… Or vice versa… Either way–you’re screwed b/c THERE’S A FREAKIN’ SNAKE IN YOUR FREAKIN’ BEDROOM FOR CHR*ST’S SAKE!!!!!! Dude… lol… If you sleep there tonight, you have a serious set… lol… I found a skin in my basement 5 years ago and STILL have trouble sleeping… He was probably all cozied up to you last night for your body heat… Just sayin’…

    1. Really? I’m going with Milk Snake. Because it makes it closer to OK in my head that I’m sharing accommodations with a reptile.

  10. Meg- Unbelievable! Great post……these things just make your blogging that much more entertaining! Thank God you didn’t have a heart attack when you saw that thing though……

  11. Megster, hysterical. Can totally relate to the “ohmygawdohmygawdohhhhmaaaahgaaawd!” reaction because I once discovered a BAT in my house. The whole time I was trying to get it out of my house I had my arms covering my head and was in combat crawl mode, because the damn thing was like a kamikaze pilot, DIVEBOMBING me. Every time I looked up it was swooping down towards me. “Ohmygawdohmygawdohhhhmaaaahgaaawd! ” was my mantra.

    1. Christine, we had a bat a few summers ago. We discovered him hanging on between the window screen and the window in the boys’ bedroom. He eventually left on his own but talk about freaky! When I was but a wee child, we had one flying around in the house like that. My mom gave my dad a tennis racket, then grabbed my sister and me and a deck of cards and locked us in the laundry room. We played games while daddy swatted at the bat!

  12. Meg McCormick’s new mantra:

    “When God hands me lemons, I immediately think, can I blog this?”

  13. i changed my mind it is not a milk snake but a juvenile black rat snake. here is a link that will tell you a little about them. still not dangerous and definitely NOT a copperhead. copperhead’s have a very obvious triangular head, yours did not and the black stripe on the nose looks like the juvenile black rat snake. we used to find a lot of skins in the basement of Grandma’s farm house and they used to bask in the sun on the porch. i picked up an adult that was about 6ft long once. that freaked bob zink out and later he shot the snakes. i felt awful about that.
    check out #2 i found a snake in my house! what kind is it?

  14. So, you probably don’t want to know that I used to have a verrrrry large pet snake? A python. And it used to share my bed – right up until I met the future Mr F (well, he was already Mr F, obviously) and there were some serious ultimatums (ultimata?) issued. Apparently Mr F won.

    My freaky thing is rats, of which England has somewhat of a plague, most of which appeared to live in the general vicinity of my house. No wonder I emigrated. Yet another reason to love Quebec. It nearly balances out the hawk-sized mosquitoes.

    1. Yo, you slept with a snake? For Realz?? I’m with Mr. F on that one.

      Rats are gross too. Hawk-sized mosqitos? I just thought you all dodged herds of moose up there!

  15. When life hands you a lemon you thnk of blog? I think not. You think of salt and tequila, daughter.

  16. Can I just tell you that I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night thinking about this! Firstly, I should probably explain that my fear of snakes goes beyond all rational explanation. I do not even like to look at pictures of them, okay? Although, I did look at your picture and it looks just like the snake we found in our backyard about 5 years ago. I’ve only just started going out there again, BTW, mostly because we have a chipmunk that lives under our lower back deck and as long as he is around, I feel safe that Snakey (yes that’s what ours is called too) is not. If this had happened to me, I think I would have moved out of my house leaving my furniture, belongings and family behind. But, if it ever does happen to me now, I will just call you instead, because you are fearless.

    1. Valerie, I’ll grab my BBQ tongs and a Safeway bag (and a bottle of tequila) (for us, not the snake) and be there in 10 minutes!

  17. I can see you get your awesome sense of humor from your mom. : )

    And your phone call paragraph was a keeper. Print it out to keep by the phone, in case you need to recreate it some day!

    1. Goodness knows, I wouldn’t be able to re-create it without having it in front of me. Some of my best improvisational work for sure.

  18. Whoa. it’s 1:26 in the am and I just hopped out of bed for a glass of milk. Guess I scared the snake because a 12-incher slithered across my bedroom floor. I thought a while about what to do and took off for a broom and a waste basket. I figured I would catch it and let it out the front door. The broom scared it and it crawled under and INTO my wall.

    So naturally I began to surf the web to see how other people handled the situation. Tomorrow I envisioned myself going crazy with the spray foam insulation and the quarter round floor molding but I’ve a read a few entries that talk about a dead snake smelling bad. All I have left to do is believe he is a friendly, non poinsonous, bug-eating garden snake do-gooder that will live and let live. He really did seem much more afraid of me than I was of him.

    I enjoyed your story – it brought a humorous spin on my not so humorous moment. I do think I’ll wait a day until I sleep in here again. I saw it crawl up a speaker before it slimed into the wall and will need a day to dispell the crawling into my bed image!

    1. YIKES Debra, I would not have been thrilled about that! At least mine was during the day. I actually slept in the room that night and haven’t given it much further thought… but your story is a reminder that it could happen ANYWHERE!!

      PS, next time take a Benadryl before bed. Ignorance is bliss. :-)

      Thanks for your comment!

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