“If we had bacon, we could have bacon and eggs (if we had eggs).”
It’s what you say when you just don’t have exactly what you need in order to accomplish a certain thing.
I thought of this tonight at 6:30 pm, while sitting in the drive-thru line at KFC. The line was not moving, and it was one of those deals where once you get into the lane, it’s impossible to bail out. You must commit. I was stuck. And, I was in a hurry. I needed some dinner pronto, so I could feed the boys before leaving to go to choir practice.
I finally rolled up to the speaker to place my order:
ME: I’d like the 12-piece meal please, extra-crispy, with extra white meat–
DISEMBODIED VOICE: We don’t have extra-crispy now – ten minutes.
ME: Uh, ok, then regular is fine–
DV: No fried chicken now. Ready in ten minutes.
ME: Ten minutes? I can’t wait ten minutes! (I immediately began hoping that the four cars in front of me weren’t going to sit in that lane waiting for the chicken to fry…)
DV: Hold on one second. (As if I could do anything else.) No ma’am – no chicken, ten minutes.
ME (exasperated): OK, then, do you have the chicken strips???
And so it was that I ended up with the chicken strips instead of actual fried chicken, and let me just say, when you’ve got you some extra-crispy on the brain, the chicken strips are a huge disappointment.
This called to mind the time when Soup Husband Curt and I popped into the Roy Rogers Restaurant on Connecticut Avenue in DC. I was in the mood for one of their Big Roast Beef sandwiches on a buttery toasted bun for dinner. I had thought about it the whole long day. So imagine my shock when, after ordering said roast beef sandwich, the clerk replied, “We’re out of roast beef.”
“How can you be out of roast beef? You are ROY ROGERS! Roast Beef is your feature meal! It’s in the restaurant name!” I was sputtering mad.
“Sorry, we’re out of roast beef,” he repeated.
There also might have been a similar incident at a Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant – they used to do really good rotisserie chicken and their sides were good, too. I don’t remember if it was that they didn’t have any chicken ready, or maybe it was that I ordered a fish sandwich that wasn’t very good and my husband pointed out that if you’re dining at a place that is famous for its rotisserie chicken, why in the hell would you order a fish sandwich?
Then there was the time last year, when we went on a rare date night to a self-proclaimed martini bar, only to have the waiter tell us they were running low on shakers and he couldn’t bring it from the bar to pour my martini at my table.
People? Seriously? If you’re trying to sell a featured, headliner product, I suggest to you that it’s good for business to always have that product in stock and available for immediate purchase. If your name is Kentucky FRIED CHICKEN, then please, you have got to have fried chicken available. At suppertime. Suppertime! If you specialize in roast beef sandwiches, try not to run out of roast beef. Purveyors of rotisserie chicken would do well to have some ready at all times. Martini bars? Have enough shakers so you can do the tableside show that is really the only reason you can get away with charging $10 for two ounces of gin and a couple of olives. Send someone out to buy more if you have to.
SO. If we had bacon we could have bacon and eggs (if we had eggs).
In other words?
We got nothin’.