MCCORMICK ENTERPRISES is a busy, entrepreneurial enterprise engaged in the industry of domestic engineering. We are currently seeking a bright, energetic self-starter to join our team as Executive Assistant to the CEO.
Responsible for key, high-profile deliverables, including (but not limited to) sweeping all floors daily, mopping kitchen floor twice weekly, and loading, running and unloading the dishwasher. Will also manage full life-cycle of laundry, ensure dog's water bowl is full and cat's litterbox is empty.
Qualifications include: High school diploma (some college preferred), plus 3-5 years of experience in a similar support role. Must be able to respond to ever-changing priorities, pay attention to detail and thrive in fast-paced environment. Must have excellent communication skills. Ability to read minds is a plus.
To apply: Send resume, cover letter and salary requirement to McCormick Enterprises leave a comment on this post explaining why you're the ideal candidate for this thankless unique drudgery opportunity. No phonecalls, please. McCormick Enterprises offers flexible work schedules and supports work-life balance. Equal opportunity employer.
Soup Is Not A Finger Food 
Wait – I can do this and get PAID? Resume will arrive by FedEx tomorrow morning…
Shelley – from time to time, you might have to accept payment in kind. We also are open to barter…
Damn…If only I could read minds!
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What you need is a wife….
I’ll be right over…
Hey! Why don’t we just swap?
Will food be included in the salary? If so, I am in.
Didn’t you leave off some duties? Like chauffeuring children to and fro? Random trips to the grocery store? Toilet plunging? I think you might need a “and other duties as assigned” line.
Send me the applicants you don’t select. I can use them.
Mop the kitchen floor twice weekly? I thought that was twice annually if one is lucky.
If I do it, it's like quarterly. In order to strive for cleanliness.
The staffer would have to do it more often.
No, I only included the stuff I really hate doing!
I’ll take the cast-offs that CBW turns down. Provided they’re open to relocation (unsubsidized) and not opposed to figuring out how to clean house in a scent free mode and how to endear themselves to the Brute Squad so they aren’t subject to random surprise attacks.
“Work-Life Balance” Sometimes I can’t tell the difference, that must be balance, right?
I have found the answer: I simply have only vision-impaired friends with extraordinarily poor senses of smell. If your new employee can find me a few of *those* I’ll be golden.