Dealing with a lot of, uh, stuff

THEY SAY IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY and that’s what I choose to believe as I embark on what my pal Foolery calls NO PUNCTUATION WEDNESDAY except that today is Monday but I have a LOT to share and I can’t wait two whole days so why don’t we begin with a few things that I just can’t seem to get beyond?

First of which is the fact that IT’S REALLY REALLY HARD NOT TO PUNCTUATE and I really wanted to put a period after that but I can’t and whose idea was this anyway?

Oh right it was Foolery’s and she’s freakin’ brilliant so I’ll just resist the urge and tell you first that I have one kid who seems to be fixated on visiting naughty websites and another kid whose Sunny Personality is what he’ll have to rely upon for his Ivy League admissions because his grades probably aren’t getting him there and yet another kid who won’t poop without medical interventionand I’ll leave it to you to guess which one’s which and if you have kids you can probably identify with the challenge and the heartache and all that and if that isn’t enough to keep me awake at night–

(sorry are em dashes punctuation oops my bad)

I looked around on Saturday and realized that there is STUFF sitting on EVERY SINGLE HORIZONTAL SURFACE IN MY HOME and after my left eye finished twitching I sorted piles of little toy-thingies into these bins

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and you might think WOW WELL DONE SOUP except that what you don’t know is that I ran out of time to tackle these

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and address THIS

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and THAT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING because I could sort drawers every day until Good Friday and probably wouldn’t be done but nevertheless I did get rid of two giant trash bags of broken toys and another box of stuff we hope to give to a Very Nice Person with a Lovely Little Boy and that certainly helps to minimize the clutter but does absolutely nothing towards addressing THIS

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and YES THANKS FOR ASKING that IS a photo of my wee tot snuggled onto a couple of SLEEPING BAGS on a drafty hardwood floor in our FAMILY ROOM which remains devoid of real furniture because the reconstruction has yet to begin but hopefully will start later this week at least that’s what I’m crossing my fingers for because watching basketball on a tiny TV while perched on lawn chairs is not my cup of tea

[DEEP BREATH]

But none of this is really the biggest problem that I’m dealing with right now and if you’re still with me more than 400 words into this diatribe then God bless you because I need to share something rather personal that rhymes with Cee Lo and this seems like a good place for a PERIOD

And another DEEP BREATH

Because I thought the first time was a fluke attributable to the new “deodorant” I purchased that did NOT have an aluminum-tinged antiperspirant in it because I read somewhere that that can give you breast cancer or herpes or the Clap or some reeeeeeally bad affliction and so I quit using it because the easy rule-out just makes sense y’all except that one day at work I was like EEEW WHOSE ARMPITS SMELL and then I realized MINE DID and what an unexpected realization that was for a 40-something lady who hasn’t had occasion to sniff at her pits since the Mesozoic Era mid-1980s and so I quit using that organic stuff and went back to the cancer-causing aluminum-tinged formula and I was quite happy with that until TODAY when I realized that MY PITS SMELLED BAD AGAIN and I was all WTF WTF WTF?????

You can’t deny me those question marks because you’d be asking yourself the same thing given the same circumstances and so now I am going to have to compulsively wash my clothes after one wearing and shower daily which is going to give me dry scaly skin but at least that doesn’t stink and if this is some kind of pre-menopausal thing that Nobody Tells You About y’all who were born before me had better come clean to me FAST because I’m walking the streets of DC smellin’ like some pubescent teenager except with saggier boobs and stretch marks and a C-section scar and I normally wear these badges of my age with pride but if B.O. comes with it then I need to talk to somebody about this because I am NOT TRYIN’ TO HEAR that I’m gonna smell bad during The Change.

PERIOD.

WORD.

 

18 thoughts on “Dealing with a lot of, uh, stuff

  1. LOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL omg… I can NOT stop laughing… Maybe it’s something you’re eating???? Cousin… DYING…. lololol… First of all… if I had to go without my …’s, I’d die… lololol… and that was just damned fun to read…and the subject matter… gahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa ya kill me… WORD…. lolol…

  2. My God! When did you come photograph my drawers?? Next time, say hi and we’ll share some wine. Makes drawers look better when you do that!

  3. There are so many things they never told us. Shaving one’s face was one of them. I’ve heard about the stinky thing too.
    Hang in there, girl. You’re not alone.
    p.s. Bless you for making me laugh, albeit at your expense, especially at reading “the clap.”

  4. If you were a dog, I’d suggest a food change. But, you’re not, so I’ll just panic instead, ’cause we’re the same age. (sniffs arm pits)

  5. That was a hysterical post. I had no idea about the BO. Can’t wait for THAT. Reminds me of the day some 30-odd years ago mom handed me a stick of deodorant and was like “Here – I think you need this now.”
    Also, every single flat surface in my house is covered too. I hate it!!

  6. I don’t remember That Day, Bets, but apparently MrsDee123 told me elsewhere that she remembers what my first training bra looked like. What is it with you people remembering these things?

  7. I have a fixation with cleaning, so every weekend instead of resting and do some other relaxing things, have fun…I clean my house, and this is a real problem, cause I can’t stand to see clutter around me.

  8. Eye, I remember a coworker who used to come in all stressed out on Monday morning. She had the same “affliction” as you, and she would go home Friday and clean till 2am, just so her house was clean on the weekend. My family probably laments that I don’t share the same compulsion… I’ve made peace with the clutter.

  9. Oh my GAHHHHHHH Soup you totally rocked the No Punctuation Wednesday on a Monday as well as it could be rocked EXCLAMATION POINT
    Now don’t you feel better? I do those when my head gets all swimmy and I have a lot to say. I think you covered it beautifully. And while I feel you on the clutter issue I haven’t heard anything about the Steenky Stage so I can’t help you out. I think Noe Noe has the best idea: keep a Secret in your drawer at work and power through. No soap in the shower (on the extra showers) except on the pits. And lay off those three jalapeno lunches! : )

  10. Why yes I do feel better thank you for asking! And I’m sure it’s not jalapenos, by the way. I’m a bland food girl over here…

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