ATTENTION ALL FAMILY MEMBERS!
I have recently noticed that certain items have disappeared from the kitchen. They just go… missing. Poof. It's like, one day, my favorite Swiss serrated knife with the red handle was there, and the next day it was nowhere to be found. I just noticed its sister-knife – you know, the one with the birds-beak blade – is also missing. And the one with the white handle, too.
In addition, there are two large mixing bowls that are MIA. BIG ones. (Where could you possibly have put them??)
And this is to say nothing of the various cups, glasses, bowls, spoons, etc. that I perodically retrieve from your bedrooms. And also, kitchen shears. Feel free to use 'em – just return 'em.
While I'm at it, I can't help wondering if the persistent dearth of phillips-head screwdrivers in this house is somehow related to the absence of key kitchen implements. I'm no detective, but it seems like more than coincidence to me.
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the aforementioned situation, I am hereby announcing an Amnesty Program. Individuals who return any of these items to their customary location in the kitchen (or, in the case of the screwdrivers, the toolbox) before 11:59 p.m. on December 31, 2012 will not be prosecuted. All fines and penalties will be waived. No questions will be asked. You don't have to sneak them into the kitchen when I'm not looking; you may simply leave them on the island and walk away a free man. (Or boy.)
In the meantime, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that dirty socks do NOT belong in the family room and the shoe basket is NOT a place to "hang" your coats.
Thank you for your compliance.