Your complete satisfaction is always our highest priority. Para español, marque el dos.
Please listen closely, as our menu items have changed. This call may be monitored for training and quality control purposes. Your wait may be longer during times of increased call volume. So that we may direct you to the right area, please choose from the following options:
If you are younger than three years old, press 1. If you are in preschool, press 2. Elementary school, press 3. Middle school, press 4. High school, please hang up, attempt to resolve your issue yourself first, and call back later if you still need help.
Younger than three menu.
If your diaper is wet, press 1. Poopy, press 2. If you are hungry, press 3. Thirsty, press 4. Bored, press 5. Angry, press 6. Itchy, press 7. Too cold or too hot, press 8. If you are tired, please press 0 and a representative will immediately to put you down for your nap. To return to the main menu, press 9.
If you are hungry, press 1. Thirsty, press 2. If you want someone to put on the Cars movie for the umpteenth time, press 3. To tattle on one of your older brothers, press 4. To tattle with that sing-songy whiny voice of yours, press 5. If you've been holding in your poop for three days and can't hold it any longer, press 6 and someone will run you to the potty so fast it'll make your head spin. If it's too late for that, press 7. To repeat your choices, press 8. To return to the main menu, press 9.
Elementary school menu.
If you are hungry or thirsty, press 1. If you need help operating the remote control or DVRing Toon Disney, press 2. To arrange for a playdate at our house, press 3. At your friend’s house, press 4. For homework help, press 5. If you've accidentally broken something of value in the house, press 6. If you missed the school bus, press 7. If you’re at school and just realized you left your instrument or your lunch at home, press 8. If you waited too long to go potty and need to have your pants changed, please hang up and try your call again later. To return to the main menu, press 9.
Middle school menu.
If there is blood, press 1. Compound fractures or head trauma, press 2. For help with a malfunctioning computer, TV or other home electronics, press 3. If you need a ride somewhere, press 4. For money, press 5. To confirm your homework has, in fact, been completed, press 6. To convey a message of love, esteem, admiration and gratitude to your parents without having to actually verbalize it, press 7. For all other issues, please hang up and try your call again later. To return to the main menu, press 9.
Thank you for calling. Goodbye! *click*
Many thanks to my friend Joel for inspiring this post via his Facebook status update, and for our friend Rob for commenting that if you imagine the Moviefone guy's voice, this is really hilarious.